“The Puzzle Piece Clicked”: Confessions of a Late-Blooming Autist

Chapter 7: The Art of Masking in Autism

As a neurodivergent adult, I’ve mastered the art of masking. Masking is the ability to hide or camouflage my autistic traits, adapting to neurotypical expectations and social norms. It’s a survival mechanism, a shield to protect myself from a world not designed for people like me.

Growing up, I learned to mask by observing and imitating those around me. I studied facial expressions, body language, and social cues, trying to blend in with my peers. I forced myself to make eye contact, even when it felt very weird and distracting. I practiced small talk and pretended to be interested in topics that didn’t fascinate me. I became a chameleon, changing colors to fit in.

But masking comes at a cost. It’s exhausting, like wearing a heavy disguise that suffocates me. I feel like I’m living a lie, pretending to be someone I’m not. The constant effort to conform leaves me drained, like a battery running out of charge.

Despite the toll it takes, I continue to mask. I fear being judged, rejected, or ostracized if I reveal my true self. I’ve experienced it before – the stares, the whispers, the exclusion. So, I put on a mask to avoid the pain of being different.

However, there are moments when my mask slips. In those brief instances, I’m myself, unapologetically autistic. I stim, flapping my hands or rocking my body, releasing pent-up energy. I speak my mind, sharing my passions and interests without filter. I connect with others who understand me, who see beyond the mask.

Those moments are liberating, but also terrifying. What if someone sees the real me and doesn’t like what they see? What if I’m rejected or ridiculed?

The struggle to balance masking and authenticity is a constant battle. I yearn to be myself, to embrace my neurodiversity without fear of judgment. But the fear of rejection and exclusion keeps me hiding behind my mask.

I dream of a world where masking isn’t necessary, where neurodivergent individuals can thrive without pretenses. A world where differences are celebrated, and acceptance is the norm.

Until then, I’ll continue to mask, but also seek out safe spaces to be myself. I’ll find solace in communities that understand me, and I’ll work to create a world where masking is no longer a requirement for survival.

If you’re a neurodivergent individual, know that you’re not alone. Your mask is valid, but so is your true self. Don’t be afraid to slip up and reveal your authenticity – you never know who might be waiting to embrace you for who you are.

Author Akaash Jain (late-diagnosed Autist)
Edited by-Shilpi Mayank Awasthi